wishes and reservations

I should have blogged at least a hundred times now about my wonderful baby. There are just so many words. These last couple of weeks are going to be especially tough as I prepare to go back to work and to start Ezra at daycare.



Part of the reason I haven't written, since I learned I was pregnant, in fact, is because all these feelings are so new and so private. At the same time, though, I am experiencing what countless other women have already been through. What can I say that has not already been said? Kids are great. They change your life forever. You never knew you could be so in love, even if you are head-over-heels for your mate. Every moment is amazing, even when it is really hard or scary or frustrating.

One really unexpected thing I've experienced is this very freeing feeling that has to do with judgment. Being a mom is opening my eyes to all the many difficult decisions every parent has to make. Sure, I still have my opinions about how I hope to parent my son, and I will probably even find myself judging other parents still, but now I am at least becoming aware of how harmful those judgments can be, how unproductive and negative they are. Most parents are at least trying to do the best they can. Usually that's all we can do. Now that I'm the one who will be learning by trial and error, questioning myself and feeling like I'm being questioned by everyone else (How long are you planning to breastfeed? You're paying how much for daycare? You're going back to work?) I feel I have let go of some of the judgments I have made in the past about parents. There's just already so much guilt associated with motherhood, I'm going to try not to add to it with my own negative thoughts and comments.

In order to be able to stay home with Ezra for the full twelve weeks of maternity leave I was granted, we have had to really watch our spending. We didn't do a very good job of planning ahead for this, so this next few weeks is going to be tight. I'm not usually a Big Spender-- I don't buy expensive, name-brand clothes or spend a ton of money on entertainment. Still, when the money gets tight I always go back to one of my all-time favorite places-- the library. I love that our city's library system is so big and has such a great collection. At any given time I have at least five books or other items on reserve. It's great! Today I simultaneously added books to my library 'Reserves' list and to my Amazon Wishlist. That way, I can check out the books and see if I like them, and if I still want them I can buy them online someday.